New Year Survival
The Manly man should be an expert at retracting into his shell when the moment requires like an accomplished hermit.
Self sufficient, happy in his own company and ready to rejuvenate his powers like a hibernating grizzly.
Few survival tips to following the path of least resistance and escaping the bitter pill of commercial self improvement:
The manly man is often resolved enough – he does not need to pander to the time of year
If he does decide to have a few resolutions, he does not doom himself to failure by telling anyone
If he doesn’t want to drink he can tell people he has liver cancer
He should not pick up his phone to unidentified callers
If he decides to run a marathon he should start sleeping in an altitude tent at around 3,000m – his running will improve immeasurably with little effort
He should fortify his lair or batchelor pad or study or shed with say a fridge, a games console or a wall of maps
He should tuck into a great book such as the Count of Monte Cristo
He must go on holiday – skiing in the alps, surfing in Morocco or cruising in Bangkok are all suitable
He should sharpen his wardrobe with some slick winter gear – close fitting knits and a smart beanie while never being afraid to
to don a rugged old favourite
Introduce a wild card system so he can emerge from his hermit lair and be the life and soul of the party
before retreating back to the sanctuary of his wheatgrass and beetroot enemas, ahem.
WINTER SPORTS – BOBSLED
This is a sliding sport which has evolved to professionally mad manly proportions and there’s now ice all over the UK which could be fashioned into numerous bob runs. For the bob you must join two sleds together with a board and attach a steering mechanism to the front one. The back, sides and front are covered to make a fortified, faster sliding machine and two or four-man teams fly down a mile-long, ice-covered course in this aerodynamic sled at speeds of as much as 90mph. The two- or four-man crews push-start the sled by pumping their legs as hard as they can down the track and then dexterously jump in. The crewman in front steers the sled and is called the driver. The man in the back is the brakeman. On the four-man team, which is a little like a game of rapid sardines, the two in the middle are unimaginatively called side-push men rather than sardines 2 and 3. The name “bobsledding” came from early racers foolishly bobbing their heads backwards and forwards to go faster, although it had no effect.
To steer, the driver holds ropes connected to steel runners. Most drivers wear gloves; though some manage to steer bare-handed to have a better feel for the ropes. Crew members shift their weight in unison to help the driver steer – but like moles they are blind to the track ahead, so they must learn the timing of a particular run’s curves.
It’s a quest to keep the perfect racing line. You will have to struggle with a violently shaking bobsled to keep it high enough to maintain top speed but low enough to avoid going extra distance. You must learn to take hard knocks. Ideally it’s worth curling up into the foetal position inside a cardboard box and getting someone to tip you down a steep hill as training. It’s a sport that really toughens you up. If you are interest in taking up the sport, the BBA run young rider training camps in Europe for talented up and coming bobsledders. Go to www.bobteamgb.org and man up for the next winter olympics.
Cocktails and Canapes 7
Cocktails and Canapés 7
At this precise time of year you really need an all day cocktail to cope with the trail of functions and relations that are making your head one huge grey hang over. This is when the most traditionally large hair of the dog that has been savaging you for the last two weeks is demanded by your body and soul. It needs little careful thought – it must pack bite and punch to fight back and the canapé must nourish other far reaches as a twin potentate to find the last remaining drops of Christmas cheer deep inside.
Bloody Clotted Mary
Calling card of any manly man – this version of the famous hang over cure is just a bigger, nastier and more effective creation to kick start your metabolism. Pour three parts Grey goose vodka to seven parts tomato juice – add four large dashes of Worcester sauce, grate a covering of horseradish root (or a generous spoon of horseradish sauce if you can’t pull it up from the garden like a few manly men), season your mixture, add Tabasco generously (a quarter bottle of the small one) and then squirt with a full half lemon. Stir well with a tasteless celery stick. The booze and spice is the definitive wake up potion.
Sweet Sausage
Grill a packet of cocktail sausages until they are nearly done and then baste them with a mix of honey and wholegrain mustard that you have heated up for a few minutes. Let the sausages sizzle in the marinade until they are done. Serve on a cocktail stick – the fat of the sausage will soak up the booze and line your stomach and the honey (as lately reported by the hungover press) is the kind of fructose your body needs to break down any latent booze.
Cocktails and canapes 6
Refined citrus and cured pig
A winning Italian combo is a traditional Venetian cocktail (a good one to know in time for the ball season early next year and generally always rated 5 star) and a quality canapé of best parma ham wrapped around a bocconici (mini mozzarella).
Sgroppino Cocktail
Sounds like the gnarled tipple of a manly gangster but tastes like a divine slush puppy – pour 4 parts vodka into a cocktail shaker with two scoops of lemon sorbet and shake until sorbet has melted and mixed with the vodka. Fill two thirds of a champagne flute with the mix and add prosecco to the rim and a sprig of fresh mint. It’s as refreshing as its contents sound.
Squealing parma
The sumptuous marinade and the ham will blend perfectly with the citrus from the sgroppino. Chop two medium heat chillis and a clove of garlic and mix in a bowl with 4tbsp of olive oil, the juice of a squeezed lemon and 3 sprigs of chopped mint. Season and marinade 20 bocconicini for 20 mins. Then thinly slice some good quality parma ham and roll around each bocconicini before skewering with a cocktail stick.
Dip again in the marinade before serving
Christmas Survival
This year the slog of parties has been exacerbated by flurries of snow, freezing temperatures and general chaos, conditions in which the staggering manly man tends to thrive. It’s most advisable to disappear to Cape Town, Brisbane or Cartagena for two weeks but if you are stuck in blighty here are ten manly man tips for surviving this arctic Christmas with a mixture of style, practicality and humour.
Avoid any religious shenanigans – it shows an uncomely lack of dignity, knowledge and foresight and will gain you precious time.
Pop a plastic spider or creepy crawly into presents of highly strung females – it will provide some early entertainment on Christmas day.
Always have hand warmers and water bottles at the ready (in your pocket or in the glove box of your car) to give to damsels in distress leaving parties or elderly folk who have broken down.
Remember – someone has to stay up late and drink the scotch and mince pies left for Santa – best done in a louche red dressing gown with which you should administer your well planned stockings to loved ones.
Make sure you have sleeping tablets to snooze for four hours at a time and a pair of subtle ear plugs – even better pull your bah humburg santa hat down over your face when you have popped a couple of pills.
Keep a hip flask on you for emergencies such as when drinks are being served at painstaking pace or when the children’s nativity play seems an interminable slog.
Know a few card tricks (and have a few extra presents) up your sleeve to entertain any sprogs who are around with the cut and dash of a magician.
If you are foolish enough to be cooking the whole Christmas meal make sure you overdo the turkey but better to have a few manly man cocktails and canapés in mind and volunteer to be barman.
Pour brandy and sherry into anything you can – trifle, gravy etc, it keeps the general spirit lifted and encourages a peaceful soporific air come late afternoon
Do not stray too far from the arm chair – unless you are going to an exceptional party Close to 100,000 citizens of these isles end up in casualty over Christmas so best to minimise the probability.
Winter Sports -
Cresta Run
This death defying pursuit sends a little fear into any manly man. The chance to turn into an ice rocket at the oldest, steepest and most ludicrously sled run in the world. The Cresta run at St Moritz originates from the great British tradition of sliding at speed. Like the skeleton you go down head first on a sled at breakneck speed (over 70mph) – the only difference is that you have hobnail like boots with rakes to break and there is only one track. The 1.2km white knuckle ride is full of humps and steep corners and does not have high sides which means you can be spewed out the track should you lose control. It’s a 514ft descent which can be done in under a minute. Its one dangerous manly pursuit – there have been 5 deaths on the run and a British army officer had his leg torn off on the run a few years ago when he hit a marker.
The sport was founded in St Moritz in Switzerland by British guests of the Kulm Hotel. The ice track was built in 1884 by Major Bulpetts, founder of the St Moritz Toboganning Club (SMTC) and the people of St Moritz near the hamlet of Cresta nearby from which the sport takes its name. The Cresta has two starting points: Top and Junction. Beginners start from Junction and are encouraged to go down in a time of between 65 and 75 seconds. Even the manliest man has to concentrate hard on the course – once you’ve started the only way to stop or get out of it is to crash. If you survive the natural valve on the notorious shuttlecock left bend you have pretty much made it. Fallers at Shuttlecock automatically become members of the Shuttlecock Club and are entitled to wear a Shuttlecock tie, a badge of manly danger. A tea tray down the banisters of old country houses was the way the aristocracy used to train.
Some of the best riders in recent years include 8 times Grand National Winner and Swiss Franco Gansser and Ireland’s excellently named Lord Clifton Wrottesley, who finished 4th in the Bob Skeleton in the 2002 Olympics. A man who had no passion for it was actor Errol Flynn – he was terrified and did one of the slowest ever Cresta runs recorded. But then it is one of the last great bastions of the male domain as no women are still allowed.
Next week: Sleds and toboganning
Cocktails and Canapes 5
Gin and Quail
No Christmas season would be complete without loading up on the spirit still flowing in our veins from days gone by. But any manly man should know how to give the Hogarthian potion a seasonal twist with sloeberries and an injection of fizz. Nothing goes better with this than the queen of canapes – the sophisticated scotch egg. But use quails eggs rather than chickens for that light pop in your mouth golf ball size rather than gagging on the tennis ball proportions of a hen.
Sloegasm
The name really sums up what’s needed to revive you as you start to become a Christmas zombie crawling from party to party in the season that never calls time. But at least try to incoherently gabble these cocktail ingredients (of which there are only two) to your host for the evening. Grab a large flute and pour it half full with sloe gin, then top up with champagne – you will be very popular (as not many people seem to know about the sloegasm). It’s often drunk during the shooting season so it should get your eye in and calm any frayed nerves for a confident night out or a large bag of pheasants.
Quail’s scotch eggs
The manly man must concentrate for this one but it’s a really worthwhile cause. Buy a pack of 12 quail eggs (from Waitrose for example), some sausagemeat, sage, parsley, and chilli, pre-prepared breadcrums and spicy tomato chutney. Boil the eggs (strictly with your stop watch) for 2mins 50secs for a soft delicious yolk. Then place them in a bowl of cold water to stop them hardening. Mix the sausage meat with a little chopped chilli, parsley and sage, and season. Peel the quails eggs and dust them in flour. Make flat patties out of the sausagemeat and wrap around each egg thick enough to bind but not more than half a centimetre. You need deft surgeon’s fingers here not drunken mitts. Dip each wrapped egg in a bowl of beaten egg white and roll in the breadcrumbs. Repeat with gusto until you have a thick covering. Heat a well of vegetable oil in a deep fying pan at medium heat until a litmus test breadcrumb sizzles brown. Place your scotch eggs carefully in the pan and cook until golden brown turning to make sure they are done on all sides. Then serve – some whole some halved – with spicy tomato chutney to heroic applause.
Next week: the Sgroppino
Christmas fancy dress persona
There are many ways to lose you dignity over Christmas whether it’s the wrongly judged ‘astute’ comment to your boss at the office party or the wrongly judged colossal haymaker at your in laws soiree. Any manly man can mentally unravel and destroy all his credibility over the drunken mists of yuletide.
So it’s best to hold back the mighty strain of excess and repeating the same conversations over and over again for three weeks. Pinpoint a couple of classic parties to go to in style.
Perhaps the one to make a mark is the fancy dress. Accoutrements can be very useful but avoid the miserably woeful paper hat, the flashing rudolph nose or the pair of cheap antlers. The manly man must make no effort at all or turn up in full regalia with all the bells and whistles.
Persona 1 Only ever speak when five sheets to the wind. As Liz Hurley famously and wisely said, “the British are always two gin and tonics short of being themselves.” Double this for the manly man. So stand in the corner with a neverending whisky mac with a black Santa hat saying ‘bah humbug’. This particularly appeals to the manly man who, of course, firmly believes Christmas cards are a waste of time but likes to surprise people with incredible presents that he pretends he has spent no time thinking about.
Persona 2 Speak to everyone and dominate. For full on regalia consider the rakish elf with full on tights, buckled shoes, breeches and a robin hood style hat (not a jester one, and don’t forget to graft on a proper pair of pointy ears) Think more forest Peter Pan than urban Kermit the frog. (Angels at www.fancydress.com is very good) Another way is to turn up as a full on reindeer with complete shaggy fur and a pair of giant antlers (a full on horned headdress goes down well). Make sure you have to bow down to get your head through the door – either way you will stand out enough to get you served drinks quicker and alert the fairer sex that a mischievous elf or a chic and rugged stag has arrived in the building.
Culture an insouciant disrespect of all things festive but always come up trumps.
Next week: Christmas survival
WINTER SPORTS – SKI-DOO
This is one of those winter sports in which any manly man can excel as it involves no innate skill or training just an unflinching willingness to accelerate at breakneck speed and the nous to work a throttle and a brake and not get them muddled up (and plenty of snow of course). It’s a blood-tingling buzz when you realise the results of combining ski blades with a very powerful engine – effectively a bobsleigh with horsepower.
The best place in the world to try this out is the Chugach Mountain range near Alyeska, Alaska where you can pull back the throttle and ride your way through the powder trails, beaver ponds, and frozen waterfalls all the way up to the glacier. Here you enter a playground lost in time since the ice age where you can weave between towering blue icebergs and thread your way into shimmering ice caves. It’s like another wonder of the world, this beautiful but harsh backcountry where the US Navy Seals come for training in the extreme cold.
But make sure you are wrapped up like the local sourdoughs who will give you a giant space suit to keep you warm, heated handle bars on the mobile and reindeer hotdogs for your belly. The local Alaskan Ski-doo cry of ‘eat my snow’, can easily grate on the ears and most manly men might be sorely tempted to run such young men off the beaten track. But you need your guide in these areas to monitor the weather, dodge the odd temperamental moose and cook the BBQ so grin and bear the banter or answer back with a demented coyote howl.
Next week: Where to slide?
Cocktails and canapes 4
Porn and the Devil
There’s little harm in some full blown decadence around Christmas time and nothing quite hits the mark like the seductive porn star martini, one for the front line of the manly man armoury.
The combination of passion fruit, vodka, vanilla and a champagne shot is a sumptuous aphrodisiac. Served with the old school salty/sweet canapé of devils on horseback you cannot go far wrong.
Porn star martini
Rub vanilla sugar onto the rim of a martini glass. Add measures of 2 parts Cariel vanilla vodka, 1 part Passoa (passion fruit liqueur), the fruit and seeds from three scooped halves of passion fruit and 2 tsp of vanilla sugar to a shaker. Then pour the cocktail mixture over hard ice cubes in the martini glass. Then gently place the remaining passion fruit half floating in the top of the drink with a dusting of vanilla sugar. Pour the champagne into the shot glass. To consume the idea is to spoon the fruit into your mouth first, then drink the shot of champagne before you sip the martini leisurely with a wide lascivious grin.
Devils on horseback on a toasty track
Take out the stone and carve out a hole in the heart of every prune. Stuff with mango chutney, then wrap each prospective devil with a half a rasher of streaky smoked bacon and skewer together with a cocktail stick – grill on medium heat for about 5 minutes turning when you remember. For the coup de grace place each devil on a buttered whole meal toast square and drizzle some sherry vinegar over them. Eat with a glint in your eye.
Next week: Christmas cocktail shennanigans
